Just Breathe
by alwaysbringback-up
Summary: This is what happens when a writer becomes trapped in horrifying reality that he can't rewrite. A story addressing what happens in the aftermath of the Season 4 finale! Drama/Angst/Suspense. It's got it all. Please check it out!
1. Don't Give Up

_**A/N: Okay so this story is in response to the season finale. It's definitely a bit shorter than usual, but I wanted to make sure I got posted in smaller chunks so I could keep writing my other stories while working on this one intermittently. This update is meant to work from Castle's POV. It's emotional to ay the least. I really hope that you like it. I started off with what happens initially (in the moments right after the shooting). I really really hope that I can make what happened in the finale better somehow because otherwise it's going to be a very very long summer. Hopefully, this chapter doesn't disappoint.**_

_**Title: Just Breathe**_

_**Chapter: Don't Give Up**_

_**Disclaimer: Sadly the amazing show that is Castle does not belong to me, nor does Castle or Kate (as amazing as they are)!**_

_**Spoilers: Through the Season 3 finale. **_

_**Rating: T (just to be on the safe side)**_

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><p><em>Don't give up<em>_  
><em>_It's just the weight of the world (on your shoulders)__  
><em>_When your heart's heavy__  
><em>_I...I will lift it for you_

_Through the darkness__  
><em>_I can see your light__  
><em>_And you will always shine__  
><em>_And I can feel your heart in mine__  
><em>_Your face I've memorized__  
><em>_I idolize just you_

_I look up to__  
><em>_Everything you are__  
><em>_In my eyes you do no wrong__  
><em>_I've loved you for so long__  
><em>_And after all is said and done__  
><em>_You're still you__  
><em>_After all__  
><em>_You're still you_

All Castle could do is stare at a motionless, peaceful looking Kate Beckett with shock at the sudden change of events. He felt like he was trapped inside of one of his own novels, only this time it was a nightmare. There was no way he could rewrite the ending as Kate once said. In truth, he couldn't do anything but hold her and beg for her to stay. It felt like it was killing him. A look of the most excruciating proportions marred his usually composed features as he started to react emotionally. Tears built in his eyes, blurring his vision, he tried to blink them back, but the water spilled over and trailed down his cheeks. They fell down onto Kate's body and he wept for her. He kicked himself inwardly for not getting to the podium in time. He should have known, the moment he'd seen the sunlight reflect off the scope. He had let his guard down, and by the time he processed what was happening, it was too late. If he would have reacted just a moment sooner he just might have made it to her in time. Instead he had to watch, to listen as the bullet broke the sound barrier and struck Kate squarely in the chest. He wished that it was him lying there on the grass starting up at the sky. Surely getting shot himself would hurt less than watching the life seep out of the only person he was sure he loved besides his own mother and daughter. He maintained pressure on the wound as much as he could. He was no longer worried about hurting her. He felt like he was dying himself. After all, over the last few months and several near death experiences of his own, he realized that he needed her to live and breathe, because without her he would have no life at all. He could feel the cool residual moisture from the grass, soak through the fabric at his knees as he cradled her limp body in his arms, pulling her closer to him, tighter to him. The rich, sweet smell of the grass wafted up to his nose, and he felt sick. Quickly, he buried his nose in her hair as he cradled her against him, breathing in the delicate comforting scent of sweet cherries. It was soft, subtle. His heart was ripping apart as he fell into pieces. He could see the remnants of tear tracks on face, but couldn't bring himself to wipe them away. He still didn't know if she'd cried because she was in pain, or because she was afraid. If this was it, if this was the end, Castle wanted her to know that she was not alone.

_Stay with me...__  
><em>_Let's just breathe..._

_Everybody wants to be understood__  
><em>_Well I can hear you__  
><em>_Everybody wants to be loved__  
><em>_Don't give up__  
><em>_Because you are loved_

"Oh god," he continued to beg, "Please don't take her from me. I'll do anything." His voice broke under the weight of his own voice, "Kate, stay with me. Just stay with me. I promise I'll make it worth it. I love you so much. P-Please." He jumped as Lanie dropped next to him. Castle stared up at her, looking far more lost than Lanie would have ever imagined. He reluctantly set Kate back on the ground as he realized Lanie might be able to help. As he pulled his hands away from Kate it felt like he were tearing himself away. He couldn't stop from staring at the blood that was now staining his hands. Lanie's hand reached out, groping for a pulse in Kate's neck. She felt one, albeit, it was weak and thready. Castle watched in horror as Lanie reached down and ripped open Kate's shirt. Castle exhaled a gasp of relief as he laid eyes on the deep blue Kevlar vest covering Kate's torso. He had been unable to face what might be underneath. Only his relief was short lived. In this case, the Kevlar hadn't fulfilled it's purpose. The bullet had penetrated straight through the fabric, and had entered Kate's body. He could only hope the Kevlar had slowed the impact enough to keep in from ravaging her vital organs. Quickly, Castle tried to free Kate from the Kevlar so he could see where the bullet entered. Blood coated the inner surface and Castle tossed it away. He shook himself out of his jacket and ripped open his own shirt. This time he could see the bullet had entered her in the thoracic cavity. He could not make out the trajectory of the bullet. He gathered the fabric of his shirt and wrapped it around his hand before pushing down. He felt like he was going to be sick as more blood gushed out. It couldn't be stopped, but rather, it had to be contained. Castle hoped that they could just get her to hang in there until the paramedics got there.

_I look up to__  
><em>_Everything you are__  
><em>_In my eyes you do no wrong__  
><em>_And I believe in you__  
><em>_Although you never asked me to__  
><em>_I will remember you__  
><em>_And what life put you through__  
><em>

_And in this cruel and lonely world__  
><em>_I found one love__  
><em>_You're still you__  
><em>_After all__  
><em>_You're still you_

Ryan held the others back, trying to give Castle and Lanie enough space to maneuver around the body. They were evacuating the area quickly. Esposito, in a fit of rage, sprinted off towards the man running away from the scene. He wasn't going to let the man get away. The way he saw it, was that they were still in the fight. No one and I mean no one hurt Kate Beckett and get away with it. He was going to make the man pay if it was the last thing he could do. Hell, he was prepared to strangle him with his bare hands.

"She's not breathing!" Lanie shouted fearfully. Castle heard the sharp intake of breaths, the gasps coming from the crowd around them. Without meaning to, Castle's eyes found those of Kate's father. It was unfair of him, but he couldn't help but pity him. First the man had lost his wife, and now was forced to grapple with the possibility he was going to lose his daughter. Castle truly felt it was his fault. After all, the man had sought him out. He had begged Castle to intervene, to keep her alive, and Castle had failed miserably. Kate had practically told him to get lost. The words, "We're over," echoed around Castle's head day and night no matter how hard he tried to make them go away. He'd already known, before he paid her that trip to her apartment, that he would be unsuccessful. If anything, he had been sure that it would be a catalyst for driving them even further apart. But he'd cared enough about her, and loved her enough to do it anyways. It took real courage to do what he'd done. So even he, the man that Kate supposedly cared about more than anything, couldn't get her to pull back on her mother's case. And although a part of him always hoped she would accept his love one day and that she would stop pushing him away, he was losing faith. He'd called her 23 times…more than that actually, and he'd shown up just as Montgomery had asked. Once again, he had known that Kate would resent him for pulling her, kicking and screaming, out of that hanger so that she might live. He'd done it anyway. He silently wondered if she'd ever forgive him for that. "Castle!" Lanie's cry had him shaking his head quickly and looking to her for the next course of action.

"I'm sorry," Castle breathed.

"Look, Castle, I know this must be hard for you," Lanie breathed impatiently. "But we need to do CPR. I…I need you to help me. I need you to breathe for her." She said the next part slowly. "I really need to know if you can do this, Castle. Because I need your help. I need you to do this." Castle nodded. He quickly swiveled on his knees. Castle gently tipped Kate's head back and opened her jaw. "Okay. For five compressions I give her, you're going to breath into her mouth. Pinch her nose. Make sure you give her as much air as possible."

"Okay."

Castle tried not to wince as Lanie pushed hard over Kate's chest. Forcing more of her body weight over Kate as she pushed. Castle could hear the crack of Kate's ribs under Lanie's hands, and he felt it as if he were doing it himself. He couldn't imagine what was going through Lanie's mind. "Castle!" Once again, the sound of his name brought him back. Quickly he knelt down, taking a deep breath as he did so. He pinched Kate's nose shut, placed his mouth over hers and forced himself to exhale as quickly as he could.

"One. Two. Three. Four. Five," Lanie counted aloud, and this time Castle was ready. They fell into a rhythm rather quickly. There was hardly a single pause between the compressions and the breathing. Castle hadn't even realized but Kevin Ryan had dropped down on Lanie's other side, trying to maintain pressure over the wound. Other officers were forcing everyone else to evacuate, even Martha, Alexis, and Kate's father.

Castle's eyes found two men clad in light blue sprinting towards them. He hadn't even heard the sirens growing near. But he was grateful. He was grateful that someone else was finally there to help.

"Paramedics are here," Lanie's head whirled around to confirm it for herself.

"You hear that, Kate? They're here for you," he whispered softly in Kate's ear, his voice was surprisingly calm and soothing. "They're going to help. Everything is going to be okay now. Just hang on. Please. Just hang on a little longer. You're strong. You can do this. I know it. Fight it, Kate. Just fight it. I won't leave you. I promise." Castle moved back as the paramedics reached them. He knew that they could help Lanie more than he ever could. He stared, watching everything seemingly happen in slow motion. He watched as they rolled her over and slipped her onto a backboard. He watched as they, put her in a neck brace and lifted her onto a gurney a third man had rushed over. They strapped her on, and one of the paramedics applied pressure as they sprinted for the ambulance waiting 20 yards away. Castle was only a few steps behind them. No one contested his pleas to go with. He just couldn't let Kate out of his sight. He locked eyes with Lanie, his gaze grateful, as she held out her hand and pulled him in after her. In a mere second, the doors were slamming shut behind them. The next minutes passed in a blur. They'd got her heart beating about halfway through their treck to the hospital. Castle hadn't even realized he was holding his breath until he suddenly was pulling in deep ragged breaths. He gasped as saw her eyes flicker open. The paramedics were talking to her, trying to tell her what was going on as they started and I.V. and started pumping her full of fluids and drugs as they tried to keep her alive.

"C-Castle?" she cried loudly, struggling slightly. He made quick work of it, grabbing her hand. She started to cry again and it ripped Castle's heart in two, seeing her in pain. He didn't want her to suffer. He didn't want her to be afraid."

"Shh," he soothed, reaching to stroke her face, "Shh... I'm right here. I love you, Kate. It's... It's going to be okay."

"Castle, I..." she mumbled again before she lost consciousness again. He looked up to meet Lanie's eyes. The ME was crying, wiping furiously at her cheeks. Castle swallowed, feeling this throat close up. He struggled to breathe evenly, not prepared to taste salt on his lips. In a state of disbelief he slowly reached up to his face and found moisture. He hadn't even realized that he too had been crying.

"It's going to be okay," Castle mumbled to himself, more for his benefit than anyone else's.

They hung a bag of O-, and tried to offset the severe blood loss as they packed the wound to the best of their ability. They put in a breathing tube, trying to keep oxygen moving through her body. Castle watched all of this happen in a daze. He knew about some of the logistics of medicine due to his research of forensics and what not. But he had no idea how to save a life.

When they reached the hospital, he cursed his own luck as he jumped out of the back of the ambulance, and laid eyes on the last person he ever expected to see. Josh stared at him in disbelief. An expression of shock and pain overtaking his features as he looked at the gurney being pulled out of the back.

"Oh my god. W-What happened?" Josh's usually calm and even voice was full of panic. "Kate," he spoke her name in a state of panic.

"She's unconscious. She was shot... There was a sniper at the funeral," Castle stuttered. "P-Please. Y-You have to help." Josh stared at Kate dumbly. Castle watched as Josh's hands started to shake. "Josh, Please." He swallowed, "Can you help her?"

"Y-Yes," Josh choked out. "Okay everyone! We need to get her to an OR! Now!" Josh shouted to all the medical personal around him. Castle watched as Josh stepped up beside the gurney and rushed inside. He stood there, staring after him, and his love.

The next few hours, Castle spent donating blood. He had the same blood type as Beckett, and he swore that he would do everything necessary to keep Kate alive. If needed his blood, it was hers. If she needed anything, he would give it to her. He would do anything.

He waited in the waiting room with everyone else, just praying to god over and over and over again, as they waited for news. He wasn't very religious, but he figured that this time was as good as any to pray for a miracle. He could vaguely feel his mother rub circles over his shoulder as they waited. Every so often, he'd feel Alexis' hand give his a squeeze, but it did little to comfort him. He suddenly had to face a couple of things he'd never had to face before as a writer. What would he do without her? Perhaps it was wrong of him to think so, but he'd always thought it would be him. He thought that he was the expendable one. Not her. This all just seemed so wrong. How could the world be so cruel? Why her? God could take anyone, so why...why did he have to take away the one person that he truly, completely loved. Sure, he could count on his hand the people he loved, but he couldn't fathom taking Kate off that list.

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><p><em><strong>Please Review! More to come soon! Next chapter is already written. I'll post more if there's interest.<strong>_


	2. Where Do I Go From Here?

_**A/N: Okay so this is the second chapter. I didn't include the surgery itself because I felt like I purely wanted it to be centered around Castle, and I felt like it would get confusing if there were things from Josh's perspective. Once again, it's definitely a bit shorter than usual, but as I said earlier, I wanted to make sure that I got it posted in smaller chunks so I could keep writing my other stories while working on this one intermittently. This update is meant to work as an outsider's POV. I think it's a good look into what I think Castle and Jim Beckett's relationship is going to be like from now on... I really hope that you like it.**_

_**Title: Just Breathe**_

_**Chapter: Where Do I Go From Here?**_

_**Disclaimer: Sadly the amazing show that is Castle does not belong to me, nor does Castle or Kate (as amazing as they are)!**_

_**Spoilers: Through the Season 3 finale.**_

_**Rating: T (just to be on the safe side)**_

_Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)__  
><em>_I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)__  
><em>_You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)__  
><em>_I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away_

For the next week Castle refused to leave her side. Because of Josh's impeccable work, she'd made it through surgery alive and breathing, but only just. From what Castle had understood from Josh's very technical explanation, Kate had literally escaped within a millimeter or two with her life and had sustained severe internal injuries that took several surgeries to rectify. The good news was that the Kevlar vest had in fact saved her life. At the very least, it had slowed the bullet and had prevented it from reaching her heart. It also altered the bullets trajectory enough to prevent major damage to the pericardium and the heart muscle. Instead, the bullet entered the pleural cavity and entered the left lung, causing it to collapse. She'd lost consciousness because of a significant lack of oxygen to her brain.

Castle stayed with her at her bedside and held her hand. He lost count of how many times he'd told her he loved her. It was like a mantra, something he repeated over and over again, as he hoped it would motivate her to come back to him. He begged for that as well. He begged her not to leave him by himself because he wasn't sure if he could live without her. She was in a medically induced coma for a while, to help with the pain from the gunshot wound itself and the surgeries. Only when they finally took her off the sedation, and off of supplemental oxygen they were all shocked to see no progress. She never woke. Josh told him that he feared that she had suffered brain damage due to a lack of oxygen reaching her brain for an extended amount of time. Again Castle kicked himself. If only he hadn't wasted moments babbling incoherent words, and had just focused on saving her life. She might be alive at this point. Instead she was lost to the world around her, and none of them were sure if she'd ever wake.

Castle shifted in his chair, groaning at the soreness in his shoulders, and lower back. Hospital chairs really weren't built with comfort in mind, he'd quickly realized. He swallowed as his eyes flitted to the clock. Another twelve hours had gone by without any change. He reached up to rub the back of his neck with his free hand, squeezing his eyes shut. It got harder with every day. The longer it took for her to wake, the more he had to face the possibility that she might never open her eyes. He didn't know how others did it, the waiting. He didn't know if he could hang on much longer. He felt like he was wasting away with her. He felt like he was dying with her, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He flexed the muscles in his other hand, the one that grasped Kate's hand gently in his. Despite his fears and his hopelessness, he would not let go. He would not give up on her. She was the strongest person he'd ever had the privilege of knowing. He knew she would not give up easily. The fact that she was still there was a testament to that.

He jumped slightly as the door opened and light flooded into the room from the hallway. Castle spared the visitor a look and focused his attention back on Kate. He let out a sigh as the man sat down next to him and reached out to touch his shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze. Castle squeezed his eyes shut. He suddenly found it very hard to breath as he turned to face a man he'd already grown to love and respect a great deal. Castle knew how hard the last week had been for Jim Beckett, but the man seemed to remain strong. He respected the man who had come to him. He would never be able to thank Jim enough because he was ultimately able to tell him what Kate hadn't ever been able to voice aloud. Castle let out another strained breath as he looked back to Kate. She looked so peaceful as she remained isolated from the cruel, brutal reality of the world around her, the one that put her there.. Not a single line marred her beautiful porcelain features in sleep. Castle was always used to seeing her as the headstrong, determined, but compassionate individual she was, not the one he was looking at now. It was hard for him to believe that they were the same person. The truth is that Kate rarely ever rested. She worked each case as if she were her last, and devoted all of her time and effort to it for that reason. Castle had grown to love and respect her for that very unique ability she possessed. Perhaps Kate never noticed it herself, but she really was extraordinary in every respect of the word. The truth is, that there is just no one like her on this planet. Montgomery had seen it in her all those years ago when she'd walked into the precinct, and Castle saw it now. He knew from the moment he'd met her that she was remarkable. Extraordinary.

"You should get some rest, son" Jim Beckett suggested in a soft whisper. Castle met the man's eyes sadly. "Rick, do you really think that I haven't noticed? You haven't left here, you haven't slept, and you haven't eaten in nearly four days now. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself." Castle merely shook his head. He didn't trust his voice at the moment. Silence built between them as they sat side by side for a long minute. Both seemed to respect one another's need to be there. Fortunately, Jim Beckett understood Rick's feelings for Kate.

"I'm sorry," Rick finally spoke into the silence between them. He nearly broke out in a fresh bout of tears, and his throat closed up on him all over again. He'd been struggling to say those words to Kate's father since the moment Kate had been shot. Only saying those words was a hard thing to do when he knew what it meant. It meant that he had failed his partner. It meant that harm had come to her and he hadn't been able to stop it this time.

"Rick," Jim Beckett sighed. "Please. You can't keep blaming yourself. You can't keep beating yourself up like this. I don't want you to do that. And Kate? She wouldn't want you to do it either."

"No," Castle choked out emphatically. "It's my fault. I'm her partner. I…I'm supposed to protect her, and I…I failed. If I had realized what was happening just a moment sooner then I would have spared you from this. She would have been spared from this." Tears built in his eyes for the hundredth time in the last week.

"No you wouldn't," Jim Beckett spoke calmly. "Instead of you sitting here it would be Katie. Even if you had realized what was happening sooner, it still would have been you that took the bullet and not her."

"I wish it had," Castle confessed for the first time. "I wish it had been me," he spoke softly. And it was true. He hadn't stopped wishing for that fact since it happened. "I really do."

"I know," Jim nodded, "But that's the wrong thing to wish for." Castle swallowed, struggling to accept that fact. "You know better than anyone that you can't change what happens, Rick. You can't rewrite the ending. You can't put yourself in her place. It just doesn't work that way." Castle remained quiet, just letting the man's words soak in. "You really love her, don't you?" He said looking at Rick with his own respect and adoration.

"Yes," Castle breathed aloud, without hesitation. His voice broke again, sounding higher than was normal "I love Kate very much."

"Then go home, Rick," he ordered softly. "Please. Take a shower, eat something, get some rest, and then come back tomorrow. She'll still be here. She's not going to go anywhere, Rick." He held Rick's eyes in a sort of challenge. Rick let out a gruff sigh of resignation and reluctantly released Kate's hand. After all, he could not deny the man next to him. Jim Beckett deserved some time alone with his daughter, and the wise, insightful, and very kind man was right. There was nothing Castle could do for her. Not right now. Rick closed his eyes as he stood up slowly and leant over Kate's bed, placing a soft kiss on her forehead with a promise that he'd be back.

"I love you," he breathed in her ear one last time.

His hand froze on the door handle when Jim's voice filled the room. "Rick?" Rick turned around slowly to see that Jim was still watching him. "I know that I can't make you stop blaming yourself for what happened, but you have to know somewhere in that head of yours that it's not really your fault. And if you really can't believe me, then think about something else. Kate would have _never_ made it this far without you." Castle opened his mouth to protest, but Jim seemed to be reading his mind because he cut Rick off before he could even begin. "Don't argue with me. I know… I know about everything you've done for her despite Kate's best efforts to keep me out of that part of her life."

"Sir," Castle breathed as he ran his hand over his jaw roughly. "She wouldn't have even been in those situations if it weren't for me. The freezer? The bomb? She would have never been so reckless if it weren't for my own stupidity. I led her there. _Me_. In all senses of the word, you should _hate_ _me_."

"Then you're out of luck," Jim replied sternly, "Because I don't… In fact, I'm quite grateful to you." Castle just shook his head "Okay. Fine. You still don't believe me?" Jim sounded as if he wasn't ready to give up yet. "What about the warehouse, Rick?" Jim challenged, "Because you sure as hell didn't lead her there." For that statement Castle had no reply.

"You're not giving yourself enough credit," Jim stood up, shaking his head. "Rick, you honestly don't know how lost Katie was before she met you. You haven't seen the transformation as I have because you have had nothing to compare it to. But Kate? She stopped living after her mother's murder. You may not see it, but you…you taught her how to live again. You taught her how to feel. She was so afraid of happiness, of living that she threw herself completely into a job where she lived on the brink of life everyday. She didn't live. She didn't breathe… U-Until you." He swallowed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you saved her in more ways than you ever realize. And for that? I…I want to say thank you, Rick."

"I hope you know that I'd do anything for her," Rick confessed wholeheartedly, his voice thick with emotion. "I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough…" Then he added, "I'm so sorry that I wasn't enough… I couldn't make her stop. If I had then maybe…maybe she wouldn't be lying in that bed right now." He watched as Jim opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again as he grappled for the right words to say. Castle swallowed, deciding that he couldn't take much more. "Take care of her, sir," Rick said as he walked over and pulled the man in for a soft hug. He was surprised at the strength in which the man reciprocated.

"She loves you too, Rick," he said softly and Rick couldn't keep his body from breaking out into reckless, uncontrolled sobs. He fled with embarrassment, wiping furiously at his cheeks as he rushed through the halls. He needed an escape. He needed to get away, and he knew exactly where to go.

_So go on love_  
><em>Leave while there's still hope for escape<em>  
><em>Got to take what you can these days<em>  
><em>There's so much ahead<em>  
><em>So much regret<em>  
><em>I know what you want to say<em>  
><em>(Know what you want to say)<em>  
><em>I know it but can't help feeling differently<em>  
><em>I loved you, and I should have said it<em>  
><em>But tell me just what has it ever meant<em>

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><p><em><strong>Alright folks. So that's it for now! Please take a minute to hit the review button and say a few words. It doesn't have to be long. (I promise I'm really not picky). I'm working on yet another story that will be a one-shot. It's going to be the shooting as it happens from Kate's POV, but I'm kind of insecure when I focus on specific points of view and thoughts for each character. Perhaps it is because my thoughts are always very scattered. But...I think I'm going to try anyways. If it's a dismal failure. I can always just delete it. I hope to have that up soon, as well as another chapter for this story and my other story Ask Me How I Love You within the next day or so. Thanks again for reading! You guys are awesome!<strong>_


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